All I am
by Mystifying Umiko
Summary: I stared at the pill in my hand. The blue and white capsule that started all this ridiculous sham and the only thing that can end it, this absurd creation robbed me of my time, my opportunities and my life. But now as I look at it, innocently sit in the palm of my hands, mocking me for everything I've done just to acquire it, I feel so wrong.


Unending darkness. That's how my life is. Darkness.

Like a blind groping his way to find the end of the tunnel, to finally see the light, I walk my way to find the path leading from my solitude. Oh only God knows lonely one can be when he's trapped in his own mind. It pains me to know that no one even dared to reach out or even coax me out of my seclusion. No one even tried to climb or break the wall I've created around my soul. No one attempted to release me from my prison. And when someone do, when a brave soul would try to save me from insanity and despair, they would only lead me on or fail and die then draw back the outstretched hand they once offered when I'm ready to reach it.

I became tired of waiting, of wishing and of dreaming. I gave up and lose all the little hope left in me. I started to accept the despicable fate laid out to me. Reluctantly I walked the path of shadows, the path that would always be shaded with my past.

But then he came. In a twisted turn of events we met. He saved me. At last a ray of light illuminated my dark night. The moon shone and the stars twinkled for the very first time. It didn't start as nice and simple to us, at first we despised each other. He blamed me for creating APTX 4869; the thing that started all this ridiculous sham and the only thing that can end it. I never really want to make it. It wasn't like I'm willing and in my intention to produce something wicked. In a way, I robbed him of his life so then I made it a promise that no matter what, I'll find him the cure. I'll restore his old life, and I won't let his future be destroyed like how people ruined mine. He'll live it as normal as possible and it would return to how it was before; happy and content. Even if it would mean painful consequences and irreversible aftermath, he's worth every bit of it anyway.

A new path was laid out and a new door was opened to me. I found my purpose. I became the creator of the antidote. And on the long run, I even became his best friend and partner. It was only then that I realized what I was missing all this time and how lonely I was then. They provided me with company. The hope of seeing the sunrise in the horizon filled me again.

Soon I saw him in a new light. So this is how it feels to love. But what does it feels to be loved back? I guess my thirst for attention will never be quenched. I tried to be content and bottle up all my emotions. He loves another and I stand no chance, I've long accepted that. What can I put up to battle against her? She's all the reason why he wants to go back to his old self. To Shinnichi Kudo. And what am I? Aren't I just Watson; the scientist and partner of Holmes? Not Irene Adler the love interest? Am I not just the creator of the antidote? Nevertheless I tried. I attempted with my petty acts. But as genius as he can be, he's also dense and oblivious. He misinterpreted my actions to friendship; still I cherished it.

But walls are breaking. I can't control everything anymore. And on our last battle I told him the three damned words that could severe all the ties we've created. I took the risk for at least, even if I don't survive it, at least he'll know. And even on my last breath he'll know I'll still love him.

We survived. We lived. But you know what? After everything, the first thing he told me when I woke up from a deep and dreamless sleep is to move on. I stared at him blankly with the same hard and unreadable expression. He told me that he loves another and can't reciprocate the feelings I hold for him. I already know that, no need to rub it in my face. All I ask is for him to accept them and at least acknowledge them. So to save myself from further shame, I told him the biggest like I'll ever make in my life.

"Don't worry Kudo-kun, I was just kidding. I was caught in the moment that I though it would be perfect to say something like that. You know, in case we die or something it's good to know that someone at least cares or loves. Don't worry you need not to flatter yourself, I can never see you the way you see Mouri-san." It pains me to force out every word I said. It breaks me that in my death no one would care as much as I do to yours. And what hurts the most is you just grinned and said that's good so you won't have to confuse your feelings towards me. And that's when the darkness swallowed me again. The clouds turned gray and the colors were washed out.

Now as I type the remaining formulas to finish the antidote I looked back at the times we've spent together. Tomorrow, none of them will be repeated. Tomorrow, Ai and Conan would be erased; they were never supposed to exist anyway. Tomorrow, like the computer in front, my life would be shut down. Tomorrow, you can return to her without looking back, because it would be easy for you to anyway. You're life is full of colors and life. No regrets and guilt.

But me? You said move on but where do I go? What's left of me? I've served my purpose, now it's done. Edogawa Conan may not be the real you, but you'll always be Conan to me.

Good bye Conan.

_I stared at the pill in my hand. The blue and white capsule that started all this ridiculous sham and the only thing that can end it, this absurd creation robbed me of my time, my opportunities and my life. But now as I look at it, innocently sit in the palm of my hands, mocking me for everything I've done just to acquire it, I feel so wrong. So guilty and so broken, why do I feel this way? Shouldn't I be in bliss to finally have what I've always wanted? To finally revert back to Shinichi Kudo; the great detective and childhood friend of Ran Mouri, to finally profess my love to her? Why? Why does triumph feel so hollow?_

_Looking back at the creator whose lifeless form lies peacefully, I remembered, once she told me she loves me. I didn't believe her rather, I pushed her away. I didn't know she would go to the extent of using her own body to test the effectiveness. I'm sorry Ai. I'm sorry for everything._

* * *

_Discalimer: I don't own anything_


End file.
